Humour Page - September 05

These two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who's there?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
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Christmas Downsizing The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the season's greetings had been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate downsizing. [And the fact that SMTP does not support typeface control].

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges required the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

[The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French!]

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrade in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction is assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days in inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
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An Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE:

JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

YOUR LOVING HUSBAND

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE
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"Clinton''s Testimony" by Dr. Seuss

I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you''ve been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her ''round, but could not catch her No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn''t, even with my wife
And Jennifer Flowers'' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don''t remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don''t recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy
I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have -once with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed
It never happened with a cigar
I never dated Mrs.Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you''ve caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, never did inhale
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Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard."
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2 women were playing golf. On the third hole there was a 4 men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway. The first woman said i'll tee off he is far enough away. She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the faraway. She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly. He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs.

She ran to him, apologizing and saying "let me help I am a physical therapist." He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzipped his pants and began massaging him.

"How does that feel?" she asked. He said, "Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
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The Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at tall times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owners is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
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Dole Envy

THIS IS TRUE... at first I thought it was a joke, but saw it reported in the Straits Times as well.

Great marketing opportunity for dildos in Iran, eh?

Tehran (Reuter) - For the past few weeks, the behind the doors discussion at many Iranian newspaper and magazine publishing outfits seems to be revolving not around political, social and economic issues, but the spelling of Bob Dole's name instead. It turns out that the proper spelling of the Republican Party's likely nominee, Dole, is exactly the same as that of the word penis in Persian. "At first it might seem funny to some people, but it's creating a serious issue for us. How can we write headlines using that word?," said Majid Fanni, a prepress specialist at a Tehran service bureau.

Professor Hassan Khadem, a Persian literature lecturer at New York University added "It's actually not a real problem. In Persian, certain vowels are optional. [Therefore] they could write his name a couple of different ways to avoid the ambiguity. But for an exact pronunciation, 'Dowl' as opposed to 'Dol', well, they'd have to spell it that way." Fanni explained "It's not easy. In print, especially for headlines, we don't use [optional] vowel symbols. Because of that, his name can be read in that way."

International organizations are quite familiar and cognizant of these types of issues. General Motors for example, spends over 300,000 dollars a year just researching car names to make sure they are not trade marked, as well as being acceptable in foreign countries.

Ali Zarkoob, a grade school teacher in Western Tehran said "I'm sure kids will find it very funny. The humor magazines will probably go crazy over it too." A columnist for Tehran's Hamshahri daily who requested to remain anonymous stated "It's a real problem that no one wants to face. Think about it. What should we write if he wins? 'Clinton loses Presidency'? That's not right. 'Penis wins US Presidency' isn't exactly acceptable either.!
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Actual Bumper Stickers
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Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

I need someone really bad... are you really bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

My kid had sex with your honor student.

Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted: Telepathy ... you know where to apply.

Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.

Hang up and drive.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Lord save me from your followers.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

Born again pagan.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Cats... the other white meat.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

Wink, I'll do the rest!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
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Funny Quotes

"Smoking kills, and if you''re killed, you''ve lost a very important part of your life.!
-Anti-smoking spokesperson Brooke Shields

"The police are not here to create disorder, they''re here to preserve disorder!
-Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention

"If you''ve seen one Redwood tree, you''ve seen them all!
-Forestry expert Ronald Reagan

"Traditionally, most of Australia''s imports come from overseas"
-Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it''s only the people that make them unsafe"
-Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo

"The internet is a great way to get on the net!
-Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

"It is bad luck to be superstitious!
-Andrew Mathis

"He was a man of great statue!
-Boston mayor Thomas Menino on former mayor John Collins

"It''s like an alcatraz around my neck"
-Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

"They''re multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off."
-Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep."
-Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"We''re going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I''m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.!
-Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.!
-Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

"It''s like deja vu all over again.!
-Yogi Berra

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese"
-Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I''m just the one to do it.!
-A congressional candidate in Texas
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When prisoners go to court: The 10 most outrageous prison inmate lawsuits of all time as collected by Sen. Jon Kyl (R-Ariz.):

10. Inmate claimed $1 million in damages for civil rights violations because his ice cream had melted. The judge ruled that the "right to eat ice cream ?was clearly not within the contemplation" of our forefathers.

9. Inmate alleged that being forced to listen to his unit manager''s country-and-western music constituted cruel and unusual punishment.

8.Inmate sued because when he got is dinner tray, the piece of cake on it was "hacked up."

7.Inmate sued because he was served chunky instead of smooth peanut butter.

6.Two prisoners sued to force taxpayers to pay for sex-change surgery while they were in prison.

5.Inmate sued for $100 million alleging he was told that he would be making $29.40 within three months, but only made $21.

4.Inmate claimed that his rights were violated because he was forced to send packages via UPS rather than U.S. mail.

3.Prisoner sued demanding LA Gear or Reebok pump athletic shoes instead of Converse.

2.Prisoner sued 66 defendants alleging that unidentified physicians implanted mind-control devices in his head.

1.Death-row inmate sued correction officials for taking away his Gameboy electronic game.
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Knock, knock Who's there?

Thisle who?

Thisle have to hold you until dinner's ready.

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Politically Correct Barbies Since you all know that Barbie has been my role model for many years, I thought you might be relieved to hear that ( at long last) I now have the weighty authority of the Net firmly behind my belief that you can be a Barbie Bimbo and a PC '90's career woman at the same time.......

1. "Neurosis-Berkeley Barbie!

Comes with her own Ultimate Frisbee, can of real spray paint (for any ad that portrays a woman who weighs under 140lbs), and CD-Rom of modern militant fem literature.

Pull her cord and she'll say things like: "Every woman has been raped by the eyes of men!!

"Flesh-eating chauvenist pig!", and "All frat boys are rapists and child molesters!" (not that far from the truth, actually?)

2. Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

3. Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

4. Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.

5. Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

6. Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out, comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also included: tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and breast pump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to chose what she does with her own Barbie.

7.Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.

8.Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like, "I don't think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take shit from men and condescending White people.

9.Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

10.Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!"

11.Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, generous ?SPUD-edited?, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a T-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat," and, of course, an appetite.

12. Couldn't resist adding my own favourite ...... "Bodybuilding Barbie". She comes with cropped lycra work-out top revealing six-pack stomach, reduced breasts, enlarged biceps, and REAL calves. Complete with her own range of free-weights and steroids. Pull her cord and she puffs rythmically and chants "Asta La Vista, Baby!
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OUCH

Joe, a successful man by most standards, began to be bothered by some incredible headaches. When both his professional life and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who claimed he could solve the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles," said the doctor.

Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to accept the operation.

He left the hospital wearing a diaper under his clothing, but his mind was clear and no headache. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He decided then and there that he could make a new beginning and live a more fulfilling life.

As he walked past a men's clothing store, he thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." Joe entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like to see some of your suits."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . . size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure . . " The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see . . . .34 sleeve and 17 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

It's my job," said the salesman. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe looked in the mirror and adjusted the collar, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll, so he said, "Sure . . . "

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see. . 9 Wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

It's my job," said the salesman. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second, and said, "Sure . . . "

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36." Joe laughed and said, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head and said, "You shouldn't wear a size 34. Eventually it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
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50 Fun Things to do When Salespeople Call

1. Tell them they must have the wrong number, only God lives here.
2. When they call back, tell them this is the devil's residence.
3. Tell them s/he can't come to the phone right now as they are in deep
meditation and may stay that way for days.
4. Start telling them about the wonderful encyclopedias you have in stock.
5. Start telling them your life story.
6. Tell them about your intense hatred for salespeople, then ask where they
live.
7. Reply to all their questions in song.
8. Ask for someone who can translate Pig Latin, as you speak no other
language.
9. Hand the phone to the youngest member of the house - preferably under five.
If no such person is available, give the phone to a pet.
10. As soon as they name the corporation they represent begin barking
relentlessly.
11. Start trying to give them a psychological analysis.
12. Demand that they refer to you as Dr. Chopstick.
13. Proudly describe what you found in your ear this morning.
14. Ask them what color underwear they are wearing today.
15. Describe your socks in detail.
16. Interrupt them repeatedly to describe the beauty of your new toaster.
17. Whiningly tell them that it is past your bedtime.
18. Midway through the conversation say, "Oh no Phil! You've done it again!
I told you that knife was too sharp! Where are we going to get the money for
another funeral?"
19. Ask them repeatedly if they believe in antelopes.
20. Refuse to answer any of their questions, as they may be one of THEM!
21. Ask them what they think would happen if you put a frog in a blender
later tell them they were wrong.
22. Ask them for their phone number so that you can call them back and chat
some more.
23. Burst into tears when they try to hang up and scream, "Don't leave me!"
24. Tell them about the time you got stuck in the doggy door.
25. When they ask to speak to you spend a long time trying to decide if that
really is your name and after you realize it is ask them to remind you of it
occasionally.
26. Proudly explain that they are the first person that you have spoken to
since you returned to Earth.
27. In the middle of the conversation start humming the Sesame Street theme
song, when they try to speak sound surprised and say, "Is someone there?"
28. Begin snoring.
29. Gleefully explain that "they" have come for you and that you are going to
a better place.
30. Start screaming whenever they say the word "that."
31. Say, "I am so glad you called, I have been waiting and waiting to hear
from you!"
32. Answer every question with the phase, "I like eggs."
33. Say "Don't you hate it when you get your tongue stuck in a door?"
34. Tearfully explain "It's you, my long last sister/brother!" as soon as
they identify themselves.
35. Complain to them about how outrageous it is that you have to take time
out of your busy day to breathe.
36. Start reading them some of your poetry.
37. Occasionally start singing commercial jingles.
38. Suggest that the two of you get together sometime and go bowling.
39. Go into detail about the government's plot to overthrow the universe.
40. Ask them what they would do if there was a dead body on the floor of
their living room.
41. Discuss what a wonderful world it would be if we were all born with
tails.
42. Whenever they try to get a word in babble on about how young people these
days talk way too much, and don't respect their elders. (Works best if they
are clearly older than you.)
43. During complete silence ask them if they hear that pounding noise.
44. Make loud pounding noises and when they ask about them say "What pounding
noises?"
45. Tell them to hold on a second, set down the phone and sing loudly.
46. Insist on calling them Mr. Spock.
47. Ask them if they will get you a birthday present.
48. Tell them you can't talk now, as you are trapped in an invisible box.
49. Beg them to dispose of your dentist, who is involved in a secret plot
that shall result in your demise.
50. Pretend to be an answering machine.
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Did you hear about the two little kids in a hospital who were lying next to each other? The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about, I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"

The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"

The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision." The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
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Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!"

Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!

The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!".

So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.

"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked. The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?" The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.

The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat was really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I had him tied to this big, old cinder block."
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One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

They ask,"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
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