Humour Page - January 06
Humour Page - January 06
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to give you a demonstration of this wonderful vacuum cleaner" "Fuck off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and tried to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty, mam!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
"Well," she said, "hope you've got a fucking good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning!"
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A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process. A sign read 'Don't Miss The Amazing Italian'. The salesman, somewhat intrigued, bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Italian. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Italian was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw the faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Italian'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act so he bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly drops his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd was flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Italian. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Well," said the Italian, "My eyes a no whatta they used to be!"
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $12.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine, until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $32.48." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something like that, but you'll always have as much money as you need for as long as you live." "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man proudly.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man looks a bit crestfallen, sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
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As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Cindy and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Cindy, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Cindy, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Joe, its winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
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A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar - a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue! Salty but okay. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is okay. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... in one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys curdles... at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend. She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it? It's called a Blow Job Revenge!"
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An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall. He called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect it to be completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the new mural. To his surprise, what he found was a painting of a cow with a halo, surrounded by hundreds of Indians in various stages and positions of making love. Furious, he called the artist in.
"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire. "Why, that's exactly what you asked for." said the artist smugly. "No. I didn't ask for pornographic filth! What I asked for was your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind!" And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it 'Holy Cow! Look at all those fucking Indians!'"
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A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa... Go home, you're drunk."
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EMIGRATING TO AUSTRALIA
The diary of an English migrant that's only been here a short time. Oh and by the way - Queensland has long been described as known as 'Beautiful one Day, Perfect the next'. Obviously its not everyones cup of tea...
SEPTEMBER 1ST
Said goodbye to England a few weeks ago now and have been loving life in Brisbane! Now this is a city that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a deck chair on my veranda tonight, it was beautiful. I've finally found my home, I love it here.
SEPTEMBER 13TH
Really heating up now. Got to 32 today. Not a problem, live in an air-conditioned house, drive an air conditioned car to an air conditioned office. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
SEPTEMBER 30TH
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants. What a breeze to maintain. Another scorcher today but I love it here.
OCTOBER 10TH
It's not been below 30c all week. How do people get used to the heat? At least today was a bit windy but it's taking longer than I thought to adjust to the heat and humidity.
OCTOBER 15TH
Fell asleep by the pool and got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. Got to respect a climate like this.
OCTOBER 20TH
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at lunch Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat shit. Learned my lesson, no more pets in the heat.
OCTOBER 25TH
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer! It's hot as hell. The home air conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
OCTOBER 30TH
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $450,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
NOVEMBER 4TH
Its 35 degrees. Finally got the air con fixed today. It cost $500 to get the temperature down to 25, but this humidity make it fell like 30! Stupid repairman, I hate this stupid place.
NOVEMBER 8TH
If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to strangle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work my cars radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet and I smell like baked cat!!
NOVEMBER 9TH
Went out after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in the car. I thought my arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.
NOVEMBER 10TH
The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really 'warm up' next week. Doesn't it ever rain?
NOVEMBER 14TH
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 36 today. Now the air con has gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said "hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2500 house payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the repairman. Bloody Brisbane. What kind of sick demented idiot would want to live here?
DECEMBER 1ST
WHAT??????? This is the first day of Summer?????? You are fucking kidding!!!!!!!!!!!!
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A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.
"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool." So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the prick who pushed me in!"
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Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an idiot," Bob said. "Piss on him!" "You did," came the reply. "And he fired you." "Well, screw him!" said Bob. "I did. You're back at work on Monday."
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A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
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An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins?" The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?" "No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"
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Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen."
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed".
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A wealthy man had been having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would give her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy and secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked, "How will you know when the baby is born?" To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey, you received a very strange post card today," she said. "Oh, just give it to me and I will explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
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An older couple decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it. Leave me alone. Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake." Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?"
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Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, Mama can''t help but notice how pretty Anthony''s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.
Reading his Mom''s thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria comes to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I''ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.You don''t suppose she took it, do you?" Well, I doubt it, but I''ll e-mail her, just to be sure."
So he sends his Mom an email: "Dear Momma, I''m not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I''m not saying that you didn''t take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Anthony"
Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Momma.
"Figlio mio, I''m not saying that you ''do'' sleep with Maria, and I''m not saying that you ''do not'' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Momma"
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